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somebody's watching me...

I've been thinking about John Edward and the voices from beyond. Dangerous stuff, I know.

See, I'm wondering about all these dead people that are supposedly lurking around. If John Edward can really talk to the deceased, then why doesn't he put it to good use?

Ask Jesus what really happened back there with Pilate. Ask Kennedy if he knows who was after him. Resolve unsolved murders - just contact the victims and say "who did it?"

But that's not what really bugs me about this whole thing.

Say John Edwards really can talk to dead people. Say that voiced from beyond exist and they know everything that is happening in our lives, just like on the tv show.

Do they watch us go to the bathroom? Are they hovering around us all the time, my grandmother peering down at me as I go down on my husband, my dead aunts sadly shaking their heads as I let dishes sit in the sink for days?

And if they are around and want to help us so much that they reach out to some lonely schmoe from Long Island in an attempt to set us straight, why don't they do it more often?

Couldn't the ghosts of fashion idols from the past have whispered to Lara Flynn Boyle that she was making a huge mistake the other night? I'd like Ernest Hemingway or Mark Twain to sit down next to me and tell me what I'm doing wrong when I write. I want Washington himself to come over for dinner and help my son study for his test on the Revolution, and then Natalie could conjur up some spirits from the Crusades to help her out with her project.

We could straighten out all this mess with Christopher Columbus and find out which Menendez brother was really guilty get all those long-forgotten recipes from Aunt Rosa.

Unfortunately, it doesn't seem to work that way. The only voices from beyond that want to do any talking are the ones who have the least to say. Yea, yea we know Aunt Mary is watching over baby Johnny and we are real happy to hear that Mr. Rosenbaum was greeted by his mom when he died. I want the good stuff, the lies that people died holding onto, the buried treasure in someone's backyard, and whether or not Joey Ramone and Joe Strummer have started up a band yet.

And, of course, I want to know the answer to the burning question: if the dead are out there watching us, do they follow us into the bathroom? Do they watch us have sex? Do they get to have sex in the afterlife?

The hell with John Edward. We need a talk-to-the-dead psychic who is going to talk to the right people.


Huh...you know, I think the dead only watch John Edwards go to the bathroom. THEY need entertainment, too, you know

Yeah, it's sort of like the reverse of how people who undergo "past life regression" never recall being someone like Hiter's janitor. Instead they're always someone important and often famous. Funny how that works.

Good point.

And did you see the South Park where Stan faced off against John Edward?

V. funny...

"I'm going to nominate you for "Biggest Douche in the Universe"."

Really. Why in the Hell would any of these dead folk choose to talk through this assclown? Utter bullshit.

The Righteous Brothers beat you to the question with, "If there's a rock and roll heaven, you know they've got a hell of a band."

Classic South Park, Keith. :)

While we're on the subject of the afterlife, there's a pretty good book written by a reputable psychologist on the subject. 'Many Lives, Many Masters'. He encountered some craziness when he was doing hypnotic regression. Good read. Weiss was his last name I think.

Watch Penn & Teller on Showtime next month. They trash/expose Edwards and other similar such nonsense.

Clowns aren't chosen by the dead, they simply use whatever clown they can find that has the ability to tap into certain frequencies.
My dad was a clown in the 50's, doing what Edward does, made pretty good money at it.
And like Edward, my dad really did believe he was talking to the dead. As far as dead relatives watching you have sex or poop or cook eggs or whatever, My dad the assclown told me that such mundane activities are below the concern of the deceased. Says they have better things to do than watch us struggle with a bowel movement.
Clowndad says that since there is no time Beyond, events in physical reality aren't witnessed in any specific sequence and isn't really a purely visual experience at all for them, rather an emotional visualization more closely resembling memory. They can witness your birth and death and between in any order they choose. He says Masters such as Jesus and whatnot are on a completely different plane of existence from your average deceased, thus in order to talk to them one must be able to tune into their frequency. Very few are pure enough of Spirit to pull it off.
FleshyFerquency is easy--between 200-4000 Hz whereas Spirit is up in the 10,000+ range and the Ascended way beyond that.
If a particular human mind can't tap that upper freq, well, Jesus ain't talkin.
Turns out tinfoil hats don't help either.
I can't verify any of this however, as ClownDad did leave the earth recently and has yet to check in with me.

That explains all, Sylvain. Thank you.

Forgot the disclaimer In My Opinion.
Sorry if wasn't clear.

"Wank seance: that uncomfortable feeling of being watched by your dead relatives while you're in the middle of jacking off."

As to the dead watching us in the bathroom...why do you think the toilet paper roll only has 3-4 sheets on it every time you sit down.