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for the birds

bird-mailbox.gifMaybe it's because I dreamed about the world being on fire last night, or maybe it's because when I wasn't dreaming about armageddon, I was being awakened by 53 different species of birds who decided to throw a raucous party outside my window last night, but I am in one hell of a crappy mood today.

Maybe it's the cloud of death that is hanging over the world right now. Maybe it's the unsettling feeling of impending doom that smacks me in the face every time I find something to be happy about.

No, it's the birds.

I officially hate birds. We've got them all; crows, seagulls, owls, pigeons, whatever those brown birds are and whatever those othe brown birds are. We have the occasional sighting of a bluejay or a cardinal, but that doesn't make up for the lower class of birds who hang out in my yard. It's like bird ghetto.

So last night they had a party. I'm assuming it was a bachelor party. I could tell because eventually wolf whistles replaced bird calls. These birds hooted and howled all night long, letting up only when the odd squirrel would jump down from the telephone wire and scare the crap out of them. And then there would be a hundred flapping wings all at once, like a thunderclap of feathers.

As soon as the rogue squirrel left, the birds would come back to their party, dragging even more strays in with them.

At one point there was a fight. From what I could tell, the wife of one of the birds showed up just as the stripper bird was about to give him a beak dance. There was a lot of screeching, feathers flying and I'm sure I heard a crow laughing. Probably as he was eating the remains of that poor husband.

The thing is, I wouldn't mind if they only threw parties once in a while. But this is a hearty bunch. Day and night, night and day, never a dull moment in the great oak tree by my bedroom window.

Maybe it's a frat house?

Well, things are about to get ugly. No, I'm not going to call the cops. Something tells me they would laugh. But I am going to get myself a BB gun. And I am going to break up that flock of seagulls and friends like Rambo in an aviary.

Tomorrow, the squirrels will feast on fratboy wings and breast of sparrow-slut. Maybe I'll invite the raccoons over as well.

Go ahead, call me a murderer, call PETA on me, I don't care. I am sick to death of these selfish birds disturbing my sleep. I'm tired of dreaming that crows with ten foot wingspans are pecking at my head. I'm tired of their whistles and hoots and tweets. And you know what? Birds don't even say tweet. Who made that shit up? They just scream in a shrill, high voice until another bird finally pays attention to them, and then the other birds screams back.

Maybe they're just doing a bird karaoke duet.

this post brought to you by sleep deprivation


First the birds. Then the squirrels. Squirrels are evil. They cause 75% of all human deaths you know. Not to mention they play with the economy.

And for fathers day, I'm hoping for a BB gun or pellet gun myself...

We've got them all; crows, seagulls, owls

You know why seagulls live at the sea, don't you?

...because if they lived at the bay, they'd be "bagels"...


Get a cat. Then you can watch Wild Kingdom.

And the cat will gather the little corpses into a pile--yeah, it will be on your front porch, but that's better than having to scour the yard for the little bodies!

You need the bb rifle, not the pistol.

Make sure you don't have any cars or anything important underneath the birds - or you'll be washing and cleaning for a week.

Do not run outside in your nightie, shrieking and beating the tree with a baseball bat, because while it only scatters the birds temporarily, it gives the neighborhood even more ammunition for that committment hearing.
So I've heard.

Ah, the trusty BB gun. You will definintely not be the first in that area. My uncle got sick of squirrels at our place in Connecticut a number of years ago and started picking them off with a BB gun.

He's a little unstable, though, and started hanging the little guy's tails on the clothesline. As if being sniped by humans isn't bad enough, the survivors of Operation Nuts to Squirrels have to be constantly reminded of their dead relatives by squirrels tales dangling from above.

Cats won't do it, by the way. I have had as many as 13 at one time. Currently only 4 adults. They will catch the occassional bird, but they don't really care that much for birds. Varmints, on the other hand, can be vanquished by one cat. Moles, mice, chipmunks, you name it. Our house borders a drainage creek in the rear and the ground is pretty wet back there. An ideal habitat for star-nosed moles (semi aquatic little bastards). We moved in in 2001, and when they came out in spring 2002, they entire colony was laid waste. We stopped counting carcasses at in think 26. Meow, baby!

Meanwhile, next door, a nice little old lady has 17 bird feeders in her backyard, with all different kinds of feed: sunflower seeds for the jays, suet for the orioles, little seeds for the finches, and stuff we've never heard of for the obscure species. She watches them do their things, tells her friends about the sightings: "I had a rose-breasted grosbeak here this morning!" She is rapturous.

And then you shoot them all. Shame.

I just happen to have a pellet gun you can borrow, since I think we picked off the last of the birds in my yard. The ugly brown ones are called ‘Morning Doves’, but they are just another kind of pigeon. I guess they gave them a nice name so that people wouldn’t kill them, but I’m on to them!

Sounds as though you have mockingbirds. They're vile. Crows, of course, carry West Nile disease.
You don't need to kill all the evil birds, BTW. They will get the message and vamoose after a few deaths. I know this from first-hand experience.
Get a good air pistol. In addition to slaughtering birds, air pistols are also great for plinking at soda cans in the backyard. As an added bonus, you can teach your kids gun safety. If you are really lucky, your daughter will be a good shot and will enjoy shooting. You can then spend all your money paying for her quest to get on the Olympic shooting team.

I hate to break the news, but all native north american birds are protected by the migratory bird act. That makes killing native birds without a proper varmint permit a fedral offence.

as for crows carrying west nile, all birds can carry it, and they get it from something called the misquito - Whitch, JFYI, is a big dietary item on many a birds lists.

So, by killing all the birds, youre inviting youre verry own insect plauge -

But of course you already know that -

this has got nothin 2 do with this but if anyone can can u please call 0438802487 or 82483951 and tell the fuckin rapist leigh cliford that he should dump his gal before tryin 2 rape us!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!