In Which I Beat Tim McCarver With a Baseball Bat
I'm home today with some flu-type thing and suffering from fever, chills, delerium and all sorts of other assorted symptoms - as well as a toothache that probably will not get taken care of today because my dentist's office staff are idiots.
I figured the best thing I could do would be to go back to sleep. You know, seal myself off from this dark, dreary day and all of my various ailments by cozying up in bed with extra blankets. To sleep, perchance to......dream.
And dream I did. I won't bore you with the entire story line of the dream. Instead I'll just relay this one defining moment, which succintly summed up every single thing I have been thinking about in the last 24 hours:
I was standing in my parents' basement, near the oil burner, which looked more like an old time furnace. Flames were shooting out the furnace, licking the ceiling and lighting the wooden beams on fire. Freddy Kruger himself stood before me, decked out in his striped t-shirt and signature hat. He was holding a baseball bat in one hand (I recognized it as my signed Dan Pasqua bat, long since forgotten about) and was wearing a catcher's mitt on the other hand. Long, sharp claws extended through the worn leather of the mitt.
As the fire raged all around, Freddy's face started to change. In rapid succession, his face changed a million times at least, each new face disappearing too quickly for me to figure out who I was looking at. The changes occurred in a morph-like way, from top to bottom, and it looked like a slot machine with an endless supply of faces had embedded itself in Freddy's face. The Pope, Karl Rove, my boss, my dentist, Johnny Damon, Johnny Depp, the genie from Aladdin - they all made millisecond appearances on Freddy's visage. The slot machine movement finally slowed down and settled on one face: Tim McCarver's. I tried to scream but, of course, nothing came out. Tim started yelling about extra innings, waving the bat around and clawing at the charred beams above the furnace. One of the beams fell down on him, crushing his chest. When he fell to the floor, I went over to him and pulled the beam off, revealing a gaping hole where his heart should have been. For some reason, I reached for McCarver's wallet. I was suprised to see it was cheap leather, not the real thing. Inside the wallet were three pictures: one of Al Leiter and two of Tim McCarver. As the flames danced around me and the heat became almost unbearable, my only thought was who the hell would carry a picture of himself in his own wallet, let alone two? Then I noticed a piece of paper tucked behind the photos. I pulled it out. It was a blank absentee ballot from Florida. I thought to myself, I wonder who Freddy Kruger would vote for? I grabbed my Dan Pasqua bat off the floor, smashed Freddy/McCarver in the head. I was finally able to find my voice and I screamed with each blow "Just. Shut. Up!" Then I got tired and woke myself up.
Scary part is, this kind of dream was quite normal for me. But unlike most of my dreams, this one could probably be analyzed with some accuracy.
Comments
Are you sure it's wise to refer to the people in your dentist's office "idiots?" I mean, if someone there reads your words you might just be scheduled for some unwanted root canal. Heh.
Posted by: Mark | October 19, 2004 11:28 AM
Can I borrow your bat?
I'd like to tattoo McCarver myself.
Posted by: spd rdr | October 19, 2004 11:32 AM
Beating McCarver in the head to make him shut up? Sounds OK to me...
Posted by: KB | October 19, 2004 12:40 PM
I doubt McCarver has a picture of Leiter in his wallet. Comparison to Leiter (who adds something to the discussion) has just unmasked McCarver as the out of touch, speaking the obvious, baffoon that he is.
BTW - you know that the Boston nickname for Mariano Rivera is "fruit bat" - right?
Posted by: chris | October 19, 2004 01:21 PM
If the Yankees end up losing this series, well, let me just say I'll be very glad that I live a couple thousand miles away from Michele. ;-)
Posted by: MikeR | October 19, 2004 01:46 PM
You are a very odd woman.
Has anyone told you that lately?
(I'm not sayin' it's a bad sort of odd, mind you. But still. Whoa.)
Posted by: Sigivald | October 19, 2004 01:57 PM
watch out. The flu is looking strong in the pre-season.
Posted by: shank | October 19, 2004 02:22 PM
And that's a normal dream? I'd hate to see a weird one!
Posted by: Sunidesus | October 19, 2004 02:32 PM
Is listening to McCarver some sort of penance we have to pay in this life? "In this situation, the batter wants nothing more than to get a hit." No! Ya think???
If Jesus loves us so much, why doesn't He make it so Jon Miller and Joe Morgan are permanently installed to call all nationally televised baseball games? Why, God, why???
Posted by: Solonor | October 19, 2004 03:26 PM
Weird dreams are normal for everyone. If you had perfectly normal dreams of your day to day life, odds are you're trying for the next title character in Se7en II.
Posted by: Gabe | October 19, 2004 03:49 PM
Beating Mcarver to a pulp is part of my happy place. I go there and it just makes me smile. Solonor is right, Jon and Joe are great.
McCarver is the worst sports announcer of all time. I dare anyone to find someone worse
Posted by: Rob M | October 19, 2004 04:12 PM
Joe Carter was worse in baseball and Joe Montana was awful in football.
Posted by: chris | October 19, 2004 05:18 PM
Are you kidding me? If McCarver isn't on the Skankees payroll he damn well should be.
The Nation is first in line for cuts on his Grecian Formula head.
Take a frickin' number and kwitcherbitchin'.
Posted by: El Jefe | October 19, 2004 10:48 PM
I'm sure you know your teeth better than I, but remember..
Blocked sinus pains can be very similar in feeling and location to tooth pain.
Wait until the cold/flu/whatever is gone before visiting the dentist (especially after calling them idiots <bg. )
Posted by: EarlW | October 19, 2004 11:14 PM
McCarver makes Don Criqui seem intelligent.
Posted by: Laurence Simon | October 20, 2004 12:33 AM
Saw you link on Google - couldn't tell if you really hate McCarver or not. Check out my site. Averaging 1 visit every 2 minutes. Link it up yo!
Posted by: McCarver hater | October 22, 2004 11:29 PM